Sink or Swim

Sat, 12 Nov 2005 01:21:58 GMT

And early in the morning he came walking toward them on the sea. But when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were terrified, saying, "It is a ghost!" And they cried out in fear. But immediately Jesus spoke to them and said, "Take heart, it is I; do not be afraid."

Peter answered him, "Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water." He said, "Come." So Peter got out of the boat, started walking on the water, and came toward Jesus. But when he noticed the strong wind, he became frightened, and beginning to sink, he cried out, "Lord, save me!" Jesus immediately reached out his hand and caught him, saying to him, "You of little faith, why did you doubt?"

Matthew 14.25-30

My father always taught that story as a lesson in faith. Keep believing, and you will float.

But I wonder.

I wonder if that isn't the point. I wonder if maybe, the point is that if we are going to search for out own answers, maybe we need to learn to swim. Maybe the point is be prepared. God is Change, after all. Maybe it was just coincidence, his falling into the water. Maybe God took away his supports so that he could learn to swim.

God is still there. I guess it's still a story of faith, even with my own beliefs. But it's not a lesson of faith the way my father taught it: it's a lesson in Change. A lesson in God-shaping, and how a part of God-shaping is that we must be wary. Change will come -- God is Change -- and we must have faith in that, and be ready for it.

If we are to be able to know God in all its forms, we must be prepared.

God is not the boat. God is the water. God is the storm. We must know how to swim with God, or we will be destroyed by God.

What I am ashamed of

Sun, 23 Oct 2005 21:50:02 GMT

Guilt
is the Self.

Shame
is Society.

Both are reactions
to God-shaping.

Both are reactions
to Change.
Both are reactions
to God.

Both
Have their purposes,
Warning us:
Be conscious.
Be mindful.
But both
In the wrong hands
Can be used as weapons as well.

Be conscious.
Be mindful.
--Earthseed: The Books of the Living

I am what is called a sharer. The pain -- and pleasure, too, but more often, it's just pain -- of other people, I share. It's a result of my mother's drug addiction, the same addiction which caused my birth to kill her. Sharing -- hyperempathy syndrome is the proper name -- isn't some psychic ability, it's not telepathy. It's simply a glitch in my neural processing.

It is something that I’ve concealed all my life.

It's a weakness. Especially outside the walls, but it was in there, too. That's why we hid it, why my father told me to hide it. Weakness will get you killed. People will use weakness against you, any weakness. My brother Keith would always use it against me, fake injuries. He would even make me bleed, back before I stopped bleeding with other people, before I got my first period.

I was ashamed of my weakness. We all were. Ashamed of what it said about my mother. One more Paracetco addict, and the wife of a preacher, a professor, to boot.

Besides, it's not as though it's some special gift. It's not ESP or anything like that. It's all in my head. Even I know that. It's some cross-connection in my brain.

So I was ashamed of it all my life. Sometimes, I still am. I never told Curtis. I would've had to, if we were going to be married.

But then the walls came down.

I don't know if Curtis survived or not. But I'll never see him again, and so I suppose he'll never know.

god is change

Sink or Swim

What I am ashamed of